Prehistory:
My mom passed away on June 6th of 2021. I posted this story on my social media accounts on June 2nd-5th of 2021. During those 4 days, I’d been still hoping for a better outcome of the story, but…
History:
Self-reflection. Part 1
So, here we go…
• 2017
Almost nobody actually knows about what I’m going through since the middle of 2016.
I’ve got a very stressful situation on 01/03/17. Now I realize how actually stupid I was back then, but in that period I’ve got extra emotional before January and especially after. In February 2017 (soon after my Birthday, which falls on February 1st) I’d been feeling so dizzy almost non-stop, so I decided that I should do MRI to see what was happening in my brain. The result that my mom and I saw wasn’t good enough. In fact, I was very happy in a clinic seeing that I don’t have what I thought I might have gotten. Later, when mom and I came back home, I started googling about what they told me there and actually read really bad things that aren’t related to me (but I didn’t know it back then). I had been panicking a lot for a long time and then we’ve finally got an appointment with one of the best doctors here. The appointment was scheduled on 04/03/17. People from my hometown will realize now that this is when the terror attack happened in our subway. Luckily, Mom and I found out about it when we were standing on an escalator. The subway wasn’t shut yet so we decided to take a risk and try to reach the station that we needed. We couldn’t make it on that day — people were asked to leave the subway. And we just had to go back home. It was a pretty long way to get back.
In October I’ve got another symptom of the disease (but its name will be written here later). Finally, we’ve met the doctor in November 2017. She said that yeah, those spots that they had found might have no actual reason behind them and it might happen to anybody and it’s ok, so don’t worry but you should still do some more checkups.
• 2018
I love this year so much. I got rid of everything bad in my life that year. It’s brought me lots of good things like the official start of my photography journey, new good people, and getting stronger relationships with those whom I’ve already been knowing. At some points, I felt like I haven’t got the disease. I was literally so happy like never before. But, we still had to find out the truth…
Self-reflection. Part 2
And here we go again…
• 2019
In January of the year, I had to do an MRI with contrast for the first time and in the results, it was said that I do have the “spots” aka inflammatory foci in the myelin and the foci were active (because they had been responding to the contrast, which means they were active and if they do jot respond- means it’s inactive). My doctor told me that I should probably visit the MS (multiple sclerosis) center to find out more about their opinions. My doctor, there was ready to make the diagnosis official but since lots of doctors were doubtful about it, I was advised to do a lumbar puncture (spinal one). I have done it in April and its result was just a little worse than a normal one should be. But it was enough for making it official and since then I do have the MS — autoimmune neurological disease (luckily, it doesn’t affect a life length. Might damage a person’s physical health but it can be reconstructed. Most people do not suffer from physical problems, so it’s all ok. But! To be absolutely well and always, I still need to start taking medicaments/injections against the MS (I won’t say here why I still do nothing about it but I can personally answer to anybody who asks of it. Just so you know — I don’t do it now because of money and self-care, so I just wanna start with a good thing).
~ Make a note of the fact that my mom and I haven’t been getting a cold from September 2019 to April 2021. Why you should make a note? I’ll tell you soon…
Self-reflection. Part 3
…
• 2020
This part is gonna be pretty short.
We all know how the year started. But the first couple of months were harmless. I had to do another MRI with contrast to get some cool meds (I’d actually be given to taste them, which isn’t that safe) and surprisingly, there were no active foci in the result (I’d need to have active ones to get the meds). Even my doctor (the 1st one whom I mentioned in this story, who’s a well-known neurologist and professor of it) was saying that it’s very good but very unusual for people with MS to have such results. I was really glad about it. Moreover, they can always shut the diagnosis and delete all mentions of it from my card in case they see that I don’t have it. So, it was almost all good (but the pandemic’s been spoiling the mood). I’d been feeling well enough during the year, finally made some things related to the photography, and met a person whose existence far away still makes it so much easier for me here now. Why now is suddenly so complicated? Why now is actually what’s made me reflect on my feelings and share things that I didn’t plan to share? I’ll tell you in the next post.
Self-reflection. Part 4
Here is why I decided to make all these posts.
• 2021
So, the year has started well. I’d been studying in the photo school and was having lots of fun till February when I had to attend a clinic here almost daily to improve my physical health. Here is what I’ve got from that month: I’ve got excluded from the school but at the same time my health had improved and it felt actually good.
At the end of March, my mom had got some basic symptoms of a cold like a wet nose and sneezes. On April 2nd or 3rd, I’ve noticed the same symptoms in myself that usually fade away in about 3-4 days. But these hadn’t. And now it’s the time to remember that we hadn’t been getting sick since September of 2019.
So, we both had started coughing during that period in April (personally my cough was first dry, then wet, and again dry). Mom insisted on me staying home while she’ll go to stores to buy things for us and I wish she was caring not only about me…
~ To be continued.
Here’s why I felt like making all these posts.
☆
… While I was getting almost ok again, I got weird sensations in the right side of my body on April 13th. And I also realized that my right leg’s gotten weaker but I thought that it was only cuz I wasn’t doing exercises at home while I’d been having a cold. But since it all looked like the foci could get active, we went to the MS center to check it out. The doctor here said that since I’m looking okay and so are my reflection, she doesn’t think that the foci’ve been active but if I wanna know exactly, I need to do the MRI and see how it’s changed since February'20.
So, I did the MRI on May 8th. The next day after it, my mom and I woke up with headaches but still decided to go out and take the results. We saw that some of my old foci have good smaller (which is good) but I’ve got a few new ones and they were active, plus I’ve got a small angioma, which was so unexpected and made me feel awful. I was crying but my mom tried to make my mood better so we went to a cafe at 8:05 pm (I still have the check from there). I was caring about myself, I was a selfish bitch that was saying mean things to my mom and now I’m so sorry about it all. I finished the food quickly after my mom had it eaten… I didn’t even eat along with her.
Then we went out and while standing in the street she asked me would I like to go to a store and which one I’d like to visit. Also, she said that her head is hurting but not like it was in the morning. And then I suddenly felt like her body’s started pressing on mine like she’s tried to lean on me. But she was still standing and her eyes were opened, so I asked her what was happening and then I made my grip a little lighter. And she fell down on the road. I’m glad I still kept holding her, otherwise, she’d damage her head even worse. It happened at 8:30 pm. The ambulance came at 8:45 pm but it felt like they were taking forever to get in there. I’m so thankful to all the people around us, trying to check up on my mom meanwhile and me too. I went to the hospital along with my mom (doctors didn’t want to let me go in together though). Usually, I feel a little sick in cars but I just couldn’t leave my mom alone. Later, my aunt (mom’s sister and she’s living with us) came to take me back home.
Day 1 — mom’s in a coma. Day 2 — she’s got surgery because they had to get rid of an aneurysm in her brain that was bleeding and causing a hemorrhagic stroke. On one day — 3 they found the second aneurysm but couldn’t do another surgery again. Now — she’s opened her eyes. She doesn’t talk. 4 days ago I saw her through ft (how stupidly it sounds) all thanks to the nurse in there. The next night mom couldn’t fall asleep till 4 am (before it was normal for us to sleep this late but I feel like it’s happened now because she finally saw me and then it’s got worse again). Then they said that she was breathing heavily and a few days they replaced her back to the reanimation and she’s breathing through the AVL again now…
You might ask me how it’s all related to the pics? I’ve taken them all a while ago. My mom and I have been sharing really close relationship. She was tryna be with me everywhere. Help with everything. She was protecting me from everything, including the life around me. And now I’m alone (of course I do have my aunt and cousin’s grandma, and the most important is the beloved person from far away whom I mentioned in my previous post and who actually has been supporting me this whole time). But right now I’m alone. And now I should finally learn to be protective of myself. And this is what my hands behind my back holding each other were meant to symbolize…
☆
The cold that we both had gotten earlier and problems with blood vessels in our brains now made me feel like that cold in April could actually be the Covid-19 because sometimes it does affect veins and vessels, and our sudden problems are related to it. My doctors agreed with me on that and I’ve done the antibodies test — it’s negative. But the professor told me that I should do the test again in about 3 months because it might happen that they’ll appear in thе results later but still mean that we had coronavirus in April and our problems actually came from it…
